Professor Locs, aka Charles Easley, is an educator who explores race, class, gender, sexuality, media and popular culture with humor and insight. His column is published here each Wednesday. Opinions expressed are solely his own. Click here to read his blog.

I am saying a prayer for my sarcasm and me before I share this story…lol.

Remember the good old days when crackheads had a sense of decorum and would discreetly hassle you for money and had the decency to hide their crack in their nether regions? Not anymore. Enter Tonya Sutton of Fort Pierce, Fla., who was recently picked up by police. Sutton was walking down the street with an open 16-ounce container of Colt 45 malt liquor, an alcoholic beverage advertised with the slogan, "It works every time." (I know; a real lady.)

Well, guys, it gets better. While in custody, she was searched and police found in her purse a crack pipe hidden in her Bible. Holy pocket prayer books, Batman! Really, people; are we now using the Bible to conceal illegal contraband? Is this one of the must-have fall fashion items?

I am trying not to judge. Maybe she was part of a new ministry, Crackheads for Christ.
I bet she never missed a Wednesday night Bible study.

This definitely has all the makings of one of those cheesy gospel stage plays: Coming to the Bojangle’s Arena, the hit gospel play, “Lord Help Me to Hold Out and Breathe On Me and My Bible Because I Want to Read Along with the Pastor But My Pipe has Burned Away Most of the New Testament.”

This would also bring a whole new experience to the Sunday word. Imagine a Sunday sermon built around the destructive use of crack and the parable of another more famous and fallen Diva.

Pastor: Today’s readings comes from the book of Sawyer Chapter 2, Verses 4-6.

Pastor: Read!

Deacon: When the apostle Diane Sawyer of the small community 20/20 came across the fallen Diva, Whitney, she asked of the Diva, “Are you possessed with the demon that answers to the name Crack?”

Pastor: You see the Apostle Sawyer saw straight through the Diva and into the demon within.

Read!

Deacon: The Diva sat prostrate before the apostle, sweating profusely. The Diva smiled and laughed with nervous laughter while squeezing the expensive but comfortable couch cushion with all her crack strength. But before the Diva could answer, the Apostle Sawyer heard yet another crack demon’s laughter behind the Diva.

Pastor: You see, good people, the Apostle Sawyer, who had interviewed many famous people from various far-away kingdoms, was now confronted with multiple crack demons.

Read!

Deacon: The Apostle Sawyer drew strength from her experience and faith and asked the other crack demon to leave the shadows where he had been lurking and join his Diva wife and crack concubine on the same expensive yet comfortable couch. The Apostle Sawyer’s minions adjusted their tools to illuminate the demon husband for all to see. The Apostle Sawyer asked of the demon husband, “Who are you to this fallen Diva?” The demon husband, who was very much aware of the attention put upon him, sneered and answered, “I am Bobby Brown.” (Insert theme music from The Omen)

Pastor: Flock, sometimes you must always be prepared for battle. The Apostle Sawyer came to speak to one crack demon but soon found herself in the presence of two multi-platinum, award-winning crack demons. The Apostle Sawyer saw the potential for ratings and drew upon her strength, faith and the comfort of several shepherd guards armed with Taser guns and pressed forth in her questioning.

Read!

Deacon: The Apostle Sawyer, now confronting two formidable crack demons, leaned forward and asked of the crack demon husband: “Verily, some say you are afflicted. How do you answer?” The Diva rolls her eyes and answers, “Our life is sex, drugs and Rock n Roll.” The crack husband Brown sneered and attempted to manipulate the word: “I am stricken with the affliction of being bi-polar, so I have learned to treat my affliction with ‘burnt offerings’ and the crack. Leviticus 1:4 says, ‘Then he shall put his hand on the head of the burnt offering…’ ” The Apostle Sawyer, wise in her years, interrupted and responded, “I do not think Leviticus was speaking about dime bags, and you also know they have prescription medication for your particular affliction.” The crack couple snickers and recoils from the Apostle’s powerful words of truth.

Pastor: So you see congregation, The Apostle Sawyer found strength in the true word.

Read!

Congregation: Speak Pastor!

Deacon: The Apostle Sawyer, drawing strength from the true word, called the demon by name: “Some say, fallen Diva, that you are possessed by the demon called crack.” Then the demon, hearing its name spoken, gathered the frail frame of the body it possessed and responded to the Apostle Sawyer: “I am a Diva. The great and powerful Queen Oprah herself refers to me simply as ‘The Voice.’ Besides, Crack is Whack.”

Pastor: So congregation as we close this morning, we learn much from the Apostle Sawyer. Saints, we learn that none are safe from the temptations of the flesh and, yes, indeed the demon Crack is Whack!

We shall now have a selection from our choir as we prepare for the alter call. Will you come?

As we come, I invite you to share your observations. And ushers, please check Bibles….smile.

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