On her hit TV show Divorce Court, Judge Lynn Toler sees it all, from the abusers to the cheaters to the completely outrageous. There is no shortage of drama on the show as couples come to Los Angeles to air their dirty laundry.

On some levels, Toler can relate to her guests. Speaking at last weekend’s For Sisters Only event in Charlotte, she admitted that not every day in her own 22-year marriage has been “pretty.” Some days, she said, she “stayed in that house with that man and we weren’t having any fun.”

So, what kept her out of divorce court? She said she and her husband were committed to making it work.

In case you missed it, here is some of what she said:

On why so many people end up in divorce court…
“There’s a lot of things wrong. We get married for the wrong reasons… We get married too young. We have the kids too soon. We don’t understand money and what it needs to take to stay married. Love is not enough if you guys are not secure… Have the right conversations before you get married.”

On selecting a spouse…
“A good husband is a guy that brings something to the table that you ain’t got.”

On accepting imperfections…
“None of us is perfect. You have to list [the things you don’t like] down and look at them and say, ‘Can I live with these things long term?” because you can’t fix them once you get them. They just move their nonsense into your house just like you’re moving your nonsense into his. So you have to be prepared.”

On chasing after a man…
“If he is running from you, don’t run after him because that’s not where he wants to be.”

On getting out to meet new people…
“Just go, and don’t be afraid to go… Bring your best game and see what comes out of it. Go. You never know who you’ll meet or what’s going to happen. If you stay at home, they are not going to come knocking on your door. You got to go.”

On happiness…
“You cannot expect to be happy all of the time. I suppose there are some people out there who have had wonderful, blissful marriages without any problems, but I don‘t know any of them. So, I can’t address that.”

On staying together through the hard times…
“There were times in my marriage where I would have given you my husband for a dollar, and you might have gotten some change back, and it had nothing to do with him being a bad person or a bad man. He wasn’t beating, he wasn’t cheating, he wasn’t drugging. It wasn’t none of that; it’s just that we weren’t getting along. And we weren’t getting along for a while, but the one thing was, we were committed to our kids and making a stable home for them. True, we were in it to win it. We thought that if we didn’t make it, when there wasn’t anything major wrong, then it was a failure on our part.”

On making it work…
“When I realized what we were doing wasn’t working, I didn’t ask him to change. I changed, and he had to change in response. That is how we kept it together. It’s not a secret, it’s just a willingness to work.”

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