I remember when I was young and I looked at my older relatives. You know, the ones who were stiff when they got out of chairs. The ones with the gray hair. The ones who made you read the instructions on medicine bottles ’cause they couldn’t see the tiny type.

"Wow!” I thought. "They are really old."

I thought they knew everything. I thought they knew nothing. I thought they had lost interest in things that mattered a lot to me. All old folks wanted to do was watch the evening news and go to bed. And not for sex, either. The thought of that was hilarious.

Old folks have varicose veins and age spots. They have bad eyes and bad backs. They rub themselves down with foul-smelling stuff ’cause their bones ache. They walk with canes and can’t half hear.

Old women wear long, baggy dresses and "comfortable" shoes. Old men go bald and snore sitting in recliners.

Old folks, I thought, were crotchety, creaky and crazy.

I was always suspicious that old folks could do better. I was determined that I WOULD do better. I bought into the theory that "50 is the new 30.” I thought I could keep Father Time at bay by moisturizing my skin, exercising -- maybe a nip or a tuck here and there.

Well, my legs are now staring to creak when I sit down. My back wants to hurt from time to time, and I'm beginning to get the first of what will one day be a head of white hair.

I have to admit, though, that gray hair makes me wonder! Gray hair is often the first visible sign that the years are catching up with us. Don't get me wrong; I like gray hair. Not just for the years and the struggle it represents, but I like the way it looks. I have always maintained that a short, sassy head of salt-and-pepper hair looks fabulous on a middle-aged woman.

But still, gray hair makes me wonder...

--will old men wear their pants low and show off their depends?

--can you bleach false teeth?

--do nursing homes have a drinking section?

--can you buy liniment with a lovely floral scent?

--can I get a hearing aid programmed with my iPod music and a blue tooth?

--will house dresses make my butt look big?

--do dirty old men think varicose veins are sexy?

--will a taco salad taste the same if it’s pureed?

--can you get bedroom shoes with a nice, thin heel?

So, to the young folks who will bear witness to my venture into older age, I say, "be kind."

I'm exercising, nipping and tucking and doing the best I can.

And when you visit me in the nursing home, bring a nice gift. May I suggest a small bottle of EAU DE ICY HOT.

D. Barbara McWhite grew up in York County and lives in Orange Park, Fla., with her husband and cat.

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