I will preface this by saying I respect anyone’s faith, but this is a story about boundaries.

I was outside early Saturday morning getting something out of the car when I heard dogs barking. I looked up the street and peered a group of people walking, unusually dressed up for a Saturday, and holding Bibles.

I immediately had a flashback and went into what I refer to as my mother’s "Drive-by Saints" training.

My mom was a working mom, and the weekend was her time to relax, and nothing irritated her more than people bothering her during her down time. Our neighborhood was like an episode of “Meerkat Manor.” You know the Animal Planet show where the community of meerkats look out for one another and sound the alarm when they see danger in their midst.

You could always tell when the Saints were coming down the street. The dogs would bark and people went inside and closed their curtains. Sometimes we were caught off guard and my mom would yell for us to be quiet and get away from the window. We would hit the floor and scuttle away like we were dodging enemy fire in Kosovo.

Let me share some of my Drive-by Saints experiences to help you understand my being annoyed:

I was minding my own business one Saturday morning when a lovely group of ladies rung my doorbell and proceeded to engage me about my faith and religious beliefs. I politely interrupted one in mid-pitch and asked if I could get her address and phone number.

Before she could answer, I explained that I was very passionate about filmmaking and taught communications courses and would love to stop by some evening or on the weekend to discuss film theory and visual images. She glanced at the other members of her group and said that she did not know me and could not give out her personal information. I smiled and responded: “Yet here you are at my door in my personal space.”

We politely smiled and parted ways.

The Drive-by Saints are getting more clever. I was home one afternoon and again the doorbell rang. There stood a group of kids being supervised by a few adults. This angelic little blonde boy asked if I could donate can goods for their food bank. I said sure and returned with the requisite sauerkraut, navy beans and other stuff you know you will never eat, bar a nuclear accident.

So, before I could empty my pantry bounty into their bag, the angelic kid asked me: “Do you know the Lord, Jesus Christ, and are you a Christian?” I smiled down at this kid and looked up at the adults who watched me intently. I guess they thought I would not curse this kid out.

I again smiled politely and responded, “Wow! That is a very adult and personal conversation, and what bearing does that have on you accepting these can goods?” Basically, do you want these beans or not, kid?

I mean, really, is there a quota system on heathens that I do not know about? Is there some new religious pyramid scheme where you get holy points for every convert and use them like a Visa debit card?

But I digress; back to my story. I heeded the meerkat warnings and immediately went into my Drive-by Saints training and swiftly ducked into the house, hit the floor and peered through the curtains. I could hear my mom in my ear, “Where are they? Do you see them?” (I was small, so I would be sent to the window for reconnaissance.)

I could see the group more closely now. They were just finishing a stop at a neighbor’s house up the street and were approaching fast in righteous formation, Bibles clutched tight to their sides. They were coming up to my next-door neighbor’s house but passed it. My heart raced as they got closer to our house. But what is this; they just passed us up and went to my other neighbor’s house?

I felt relieved and then slightly snubbed. Why did they not stop at our house? Then it hit me: Both my neighbor and I had Halloween decorations. Could it be that I had found an effective talisman? This was like garlic to Vampires.

Maybe they did not want to talk to people who celebrate a pagan holiday. Or maybe it was the big gay flag and the “I Brake for Buff Guys” sign on our lawn.

Who knows….smile.

***
Professor Locs describes himself as an African American, gay, Southern male who has had an extensive career in higher education Click here to read his blog.
 
 

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