Menopause is “that certain time" in a woman's life that is whispered about among women and joked about by men.

As with hysterectomies and periods, most sisters quietly endure "the change,” never really passing on the details so other women are never able to predict what is in store for them.

Well, girls, I am going to act like a church lady on Sunday and testify: Menopause is a Witch!

We all know the mechanics – somewhere between the ages of 48 and 52, estrogen levels drop and menstruation ceases.

What you may not know is, due to declining estrogen levels, your sex drive drops, too. You still enjoy it when you have it, but instead of foreplay you now need 6-play and 8-play. Luckily, nature seems to take care of that problem. Men of a similar age experience declining testosterone levels and similar declines in sex drive.

At first I thought it was strange. I thought something was wrong with him. Then I thought something was wrong with me. I gradually came to realize that it was alright -- there is no correlation between quantity and quality. There is no need to threaten me with Viagra.

Menopause also brings on the infernal HOT FLASHES.

What are hot flashes? What do they feel like?

They feel like someone is inside my body with a blowtorch. Every so often (about 2-4 times hourly), they turn on the torch and pass it over my body from my stomach up to my head. By the time the torch reaches my face, I am flushed, sweating and fanning.

I was planning to steal a paper fan from my church when my preacher wasn't looking, but then I remembered that hell is really hot.

Hot flashes seem worse at night. I periodically wake up with my gown and my hair soaked with sweat. I have frequent bouts of insomnia because I spend half the night throwing off the covers because I'm too hot and the other half pulling them back on because I'm cold. I keep the thermostat low and the ceiling fan purring. My poor husband sleeps in a sweatsuit. He often claims to see icicles hanging from the ceiling.

Menopause causes me to dress in layers. I wear short sleeves, then layer on a sweater or jacket so that I can take them off quickly when I feel a "flash" coming on. To my husband’s dismay, I now strip for medicinal purposes.

I have decided that, for me, menopause is a natural process, and therefore there is no need for medical remedies. If the hot flashes get worse, I will try the health food option -- black cohash, primrose, yam extract, etc. But even as I say that, I am reminded that I also said I would do natural childbirth. I still worship at the shrine of the anesthesiologist who saved me from labor pains with his magic needle.

Some women say menopause causes mood swings. I haven't experienced that. I actually feel more calm. The only time I'm grouchy is when my husband slides over on my side of the bed when I'm having a flash. He's tryin’ to light my fire and I'm tryin’ to put it out.

You know, ya gotta wonder what God was thinking when he designed us. Women are blessed with MENstruation and MENopause.

You would think that men would be similarly blessed with WOMANremotecontrolthumb or WOMANbeerbelly.

I'll ask God about that one day.

D. Barbara McWhite grew up in York County, S.C., and now lives in Orange Park, Fla., with her husband and cat.

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