Reading this column will make you rich, slim and beautiful
Editor's Note: D. Barbara McWhite grew up in York County, S.C., and lives in Orange Park, Fla., with her husband and cat. Her columns is published on this website each Tuesday. Opinions expressed are solely her own.
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I woke up the other morning with a couple of bumps on my tongue. They are bright red and irritatingly painful. As I looked at my inflamed tongue in the mirror, I was reminded that my mother called the darned things "lie bumps" and managed to convince us children that they are the inevitable consequence of being untruthful.
My husband laughed when I reminded him of lie bumps. His mother, I learned, had told him the same story. He went on to teasingly ask me what lies I had recently told. Was I lying when I told him he looked good in his jeans and new red shirt? Was I really at the mall shopping a few days prior or was there some other, more sinister, agenda?
I pled innocent to all charges and argued that, even if I told a little lie to pay him a compliment or to save his feelings, I shouldn't be punished with the tongue bumps.
Are these bumps some kind of physiological polygraph? Really?
Well, what does one say when asked if she likes someone’s attire? Should you demurely say, "You look really nice," or do you tell the truth and say, "You look like Lady Gaga took you shopping at Elton John’s yard sale?"
What does one say upon seeing an ugly baby for the first time?
What should be said to the spouse when you have been left high-and-dry and he asks, "Was it good for you?
What do you say to the co-worker at the potluck event who insists that you try her casserole when she comes to work every day with pet hairs clinging to her clothes? Do you say, "I'm allergic to cheese," or do you say, "I don’t eat Lasagna when the secret recipe includes dog hair?"
And do you get lie bumps if tell your preacher you enjoyed the sermon when you were calling ZZZZ's before he announced his text? If that's the case, then my husbands tongue should be as rough as a buggy ride on a gravel road.
Do you get lie bumps if you tell little lies? (I won’t use the term "white lies." Does it make me racist that I resent that a "harmless" lie is described as white but a "harmful" lie is black? -- another column, another day.)
And then thinking back over the last few weeks, I have found it necessary to bend the truth a bit. I did tell my son I didn't mind giving him that money the other day.
And I did tell my sister I was already awake when she called me before 7a.m. that Saturday.
And when my son came home early the other night and heard the strange sounds coming from our bedroom, I did tell him I was laughing.
Maybe there is something to Mama's warning. Could be...
But to be sure, I want to look at recently exonerated Casey Anthony’s tongue.
Maybe that is why Arnold Schwargenegger talks funny? Because he has a tongue full of bumps.
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