Dear Santa:

My name is Barbara McWhite. I live in Florida, and I have been a very good girl all year long.

I know we are in a recession this year, but I still want some gifts.

First, let's talk about how good I have been. I know you probably saw me in the mall that day I called out sick to work. But I can explain.... I was sick of working.

And if you talk to my husband, he might tell you that I used a few bad words this year. Well, not to be a tattle-tell -- but so did he, and you would be angry, too, if Mrs. Clause ate the last piece of barbecue and put the covered dish back into the refrigerator. I was all ready with my bread, Santa. I was gonna slap that warm barbecue between that bread and make me a sandwich. I warmed it up in the microwave -- the lovely aroma wafting. When I lifted the lid to discover there was nothing in it but sauce, the words just came tumbling out. I later said I was sorry.

I guess you know by now that I got drunk this year. Well, what...had...happened...was, I was at home and 50 years old and bored. I wanted to see what it felt like to be drunk. Santa, I hope you won't hold it against me ’cause most folks have done it. I feel that I was punished already by the spinning room and the head over the toilet. I promise to never do that again.

I want to thank you for the white jeans you bought me last year. I really like them, but they may be shrinking because they don’t seem as roomy as they did when you gave them to me last year. I have also noticed that with the sweater. This Christmas, if you bring me clothes, please make them so they fit me all year.

I like the treadmill you gave me last year, but it is too big for my bedroom and I don’t have time to use it. If you want to take it back when you come, I'm ok with that. I will wipe all the dust off it before you get here, just in case. You can also take back that Wii fitness game. It is also kinda dusty.

Santa, I know we are in a recession, so I will ask you to bring me only things I NEED this year.

#1. Please bring me something to stop these hot flashes!!
#2. I need some weed killer that really works on dollar weeds
#3. I would like a device to prop my husband’s eyes open so no one can tell he’s sleeping in church.
#4. I could really use a laser-guided dog poop launcher, you know, for my neighborhood dog walkers.
#5. Please send me a houseplant that I can’t kill.

How are Mrs. Claus and Rudolph? I will leave some cookies and milk under the tree for you. I'll see you soon.

Love, Barbara

PS: If the cookies and milk are missing, you should strongly suspect my husband.

D. Barbara McWhite grew up in York County and now lives in Orange Park, Fla.

Sign up for our Weekly Email Newsletter Email: For Email Marketing you can trust

Other Ways to Share Twitter Del.icio.us MySpace

Discussions and Submission Agreement