My treadmill started talking to me this morning. I had just come out of my bathroom, a towel wrapped as far as it would go around my rather voluptuous body.

As I bent over to lotion my feet, I heard the treadmill say, "Honey, can we talk?"

You probably can imagine my shock and fear.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had other pieces of exercise equipment speak to me in the past. It happens most often in the stores where they live, and they usually begin with something like, "Take me home with you. I can make you look like Halle Berry… You can eat anything you want if you give me 15 minutes of your time once a week.”

So over the years I have been lured in by the siren calls of jump ropes, steppers, rowing machines, trampolines and exercise balls, to name a few.

They usually stop talking once I get them home, where they tend to hide under my bed or deep inside my closet. They often reappear at garage sales, where they seem to find their voice again and, like harlots, offer to sell themselves to the highest bidder, and I am left alone to wonder what I ever saw in them.

I beg you to believe that I was completely sober when I heard the treadmill talking -- it was, after all, only 7 a.m.!

I tried to ignore it, but then it came again: "Hey, I know you hear me! Just because I am hidden over here in this corner with all these clothes hanging on me doesn’t mean I can’t see you!

“You need to work out,” the treadmill continued. “Here, let me help you."

“I don’t need any help from you,” I replied.

“Honey, trust me -- you do,” he said gently.

“You don’t know anything about me,” I shot back. “I don’t have any health problems. I may be a little overweight, but I'm certainly not fat. And besides, I have big bones.”

The treadmill snorted: “I can’t help the fat bones, but I can do a lot for that meat."

Then it started quoting something that sounded a lot like the Bible: “Chapter 7, verse 2 of the American Medical Journal says that 68 percent of African American women are overweight. Overweight women have higher risks for heart disease and Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and stroke. They also suffer from higher incidences of sleep apnea, arthritis and some cancers. All you need is moderate exercise, at least 30 minutes per day, to make a difference.”

His voice rose to a crescendo: “You can't afford not to exercise. Your health and your very life depend on it! You can do this! You can do this!

I think he even said, "Can I get an amen?”

Then he must have opened the doors of the church or something because he then began to scream, "Are you overweight? Do you have high blood pressure? Do your joints ache?"

“Yes," I screamed. “Oh, yes!”

"I can help you!,” he cried. "Come to me and be made whole."

And then the choir was singing, "Just as I am without one plea.”

And so I recommitted my life today. My treadmill told me to meet him in the kitchen this coming Sunday - the refrigerator has some things she needs to say.

Pray for me.

D. Barbara McWhite grew up in York County and now lives in Orange Park, Fla.

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