Like others who read this website, I was charged with asking myself whether I celebrate or understand Kwanzaa. This holiday is kind of like “The Jeffersons” in syndication: It has been around a long time, but no one is quite sure why.

I did a Google search for Kwanzaa and came across what claims to be official website. It boasts only one pitiful page.

I am part of the African community and know many others, but I know few who practice Kwanzaa. Why?

First of all, the name is hard to pronounce, and there are no time-honored rituals associated with the holiday. I have dutifully been watching the Family Channel’s 25 Days of Christmas, and there are no old-school programs that celebrate Kwanzaa.

No “Rudolph’s Shiny Kwanzaa Year.”

No “Santa Clause is Coming to Town to Bring You Some Kente Cloth.”

I am glad I got to review the seven principles of Kwanzaa to determine how well my extended family and I include them in our own holiday rituals, but some of the names are cumbersome to pronounce.

“Umoja” talks about striving to maintain unity in the family. I wonder if this includes breaking up fights with drunk relatives?

“Kujichagulia” is about self-determination, but it sounds like one of the monsters Godzilla fought on those Saturday morning movies. You know, Godzilla verses Mothra and his arch nemesis, Kujichagulia.

“Ujima” and “Ujamaa” are about responsibility and cooperative economics. Is it just me or do these two sound like what some sister shopping at the Family Dollar would name her twins?

“I said put that down, Ujima. And I told you, Ujamaa, I am not getting you any more candy.”

Nia is about purpose and restoring people to their traditional greatness…. Hello, this is just “Celebrity Fit Club.”

Kuumba is about creativity. Don’t quote me, but I am sure that was the name of Kunta’s first cousin in the “Roots” series.

Imani is about faith, but it’s also the most linguistically correct spelling of the name of so many young black girls.

If you, like me, are struggling with adhering to the principles of Kwanzaa, I offer Professor Locs’ Top 5 ways to help promote the holiday:

5. Shorten the celebration from 7 days to 2. Who wants to spend that many days with relatives?

4. Get a mascot. Christmas has Santa. Kwanzaa should have a brother dressed in Black Panther-style fashion who comes in through the bathroom window instead of the chimney. Also, instead of leaving him cookies and milk, let’s leave him an unpaid utility bill and a 40oz bottle of Old E.

3. Change the words so that you don’t need a speech teacher or closed caption to pronounce.

2. Good luck with this one, but see if you can get a popular rap artist to make a song about the seven principles – but lyrics that include the line “I need all my N words to Unite” kind of defeats the purpose.

1. Offer half-price cocktails at the strip club with all the performers altering their acts for the week. “Tonight on the main stage we feature Umoja and her amazing pet snake Kuumba.”

Whether you celebrate Kwanzaa, traditional holidays or just like being off from work, enjoy yourself and spend it with friends, family and festive libations. Happy Holidays!
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Professor Locs, aka Charles Easley, is an educator who explores race, class, gender, sexuality, media and popular culture with humor and insight. Click here to read his blog.

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